When Siblings Fight

Believe me when I tell you that when I was growing up as the youngest of four, I was involved in many a fight. Later, as a mother of three boys, born just over two years apart, I witnessed at least as many.

   How can sibling fights be dealt with effectively and fairly? To answer that question let’s look at sibling conflicts from three perspectives: the physical, the mental and the spiritual perspective.


The Physical Perspective

Viewed from the physical level a clash looks abrupt and chaotic. It seems as if the kids are picking a fight on purpose, or are just bullying or nagging each other. And worse, it sometimes feels as if they are out to get to you, the parents, because they know it upsets you. The outer appearance is definitely one of annoyance, of disturbance that parents would rather be rid of as soon as possible.

   But before you act and engage at this level, consider two more perspectives.


The Mental Perspective

When looking at siblings fighting from a mental perspective you’ll discover that the kids may be testing new abilities and insights, or that they are trying to find a way to reach a fair balance of give and take in their relationship. Since kids are constantly growing and their personalities are continuously developing, it is only natural for them to search for a new balance at each new stage.

   Not all fighting among siblings is necessarily destructive. You should not  let yourself get upset at each and every loud exchange that your kids may have, and make an end to their communication right then and there. Try to determine what exactly is going on. Is it honing of skills and balancing of positions? Or is one child bullying the other and deliberately trying to dominate the other and force her will on him, or vice versa? It takes an experienced eye to distinguish among these possibilities. Of course, in the last scenario you will need to step in and protect the child that is abused, as well as investigate the causes of the first child’s dominating behavior.


Re-enacting

In her many books on child abuse Swiss psychologist Alice Miller (1)  points out that children re-enact to others what has been done to them. Thinking along this line certainly puts you, the kids’ parents on the spot. Watching your children quarrel and argue might give you some clues as to the quality of your own communication relative to your children.


The Spiritual Perspective

In addition to the physical and mental perspectives, there is the spiritual perspective when it comes to sibling conflict. On some deep level I believe siblings have chosen to be together. They each have a role to play in the other’s life. Whether they punch or play, deep down they know there is a connection between them. It just takes a lot of playing and punching to find the right expression for that connection.


Friendship and Loyalty

Lastly, children learn a valuable lesson from overcoming sibling fights, namely that hating and hitting do not have the last word in their relationship – friendship and loyalty do. Only when they have lived through disharmony and disagreement can they truly appreciate the value of genuine friendship and loyalty. Part of this equation is responsibility and accountability. In the end, the kids themselves are responsible for the quality of their relationship. To support them in embracing this responsibility you could ask for their suggestions for improving the quality of their communication.

   Arguments and fights are such physical, right-in-your-face type of manifestations of children’s inner experiences that it is hard to look beyond the appearance offered by clamor and commotion. Knowing that there are deep, inner layers trying to find expression in sibling conflicts might make your intervention more effective.

Please share your views on this most important, and too often neglected, child rearing topic.

1) Miller A. (1983), For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence, Farrar Struass Giroux, New York.

Images courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This article previously appeared on Notes on Parenting, a site dedicated to providing insights for parenting babies, toddlers, teens, and young adults.

Constructive Communication With Kids Series, part 3: Love

The Starting Point

In part 2 of this series, Constructive Communication With Kids, we looked at several examples that clearly showed the difference a parent can make when he or she consciously chooses a constructive starting point in their communication with kids. We discovered how important insight in yourself and in your child is, and how that skill helps you to direct your own parenting style. Today we will look at the multiple ways in which you can use aspects of love as the perfect starting point from which to communicate with your kids.

Love

It is remarkable how little love is discussed in parenting literature. Isn’t love at the center of it all? Waiting patiently for nine months and preparing for the arrival of the baby is inspired by love. And isn’t love the primal quality parents feel well up inside when they hold their newborn in their arms? Books and blogs about infant and child care speak about diapers and nap-time and all types of ailments, but they do not discuss love. Volumes have been written about child psychology and ways to rear children, touching on all kinds of practical ways to solve parenting problems – however, they hardly touch on the role love plays in healthy parent-child-relationships.

     It is not as if the authors are loveless or are not aware of love. The reason love is not mentioned commensurate to its importance is because love is hard to put into words. Love is a personal thing. Love touches on something vulnerable. Because of all this, it is hard to make statements about love in general terms. In addition, love, in its expression, is often mixed with personal thoughts and behaviors that may have nothing to do with love. It’s really hard to figure out. And yet, love is the heart of the parent-child relationship and as such forms the perfect source of inspiration for parents in their communication with their children. As long as love remains an abstract, spiritual quality that is praised and held high, it is too remote to help us. Love needs to get arms and legs, it needs to get hands and feet in daily life and communication with kids. Thankfully, love is like a diamond that has multiple facets or aspects that are available for any willing parent to work with, such as understanding, tolerance, receptiveness, acceptance, encouragement, harmony, to name just a few. The following examples show how love, in one of its aspects, can be a source of inspiration for the parent-child communication.


Examples of Love Put to Use

• Baby Madilyn, 10 months old, and her dad are in the supermarket. She is sitting in the shopping cart while daddy is bent over the shopping list. Madilyn does not look happy and she squirms and snivels in the shopping cart. Dad tries to soothe her to no avail and is getting more and more frustrated. He really needs to get this shopping done and he cannot concentrate with her twisting and whimpering like that. He feels like putting a tomato in her mouth to shut her up. Then he remembers ‘constructive communication’ and takes a step back inwardly. He remembers how filled with love he was when he woke her up this morning. He takes Maddi out of the shopping cart and focuses his attention exclusively on her. He matches this action with an attitude of acceptance and accessibility. Madilyn senses this change and in a few minutes she has calmed down and together they are able to complete their shopping without further interruptions. 

     Dad’s insight in himself enables him to be the director of his own actions: he consciously chooses love (acceptance and accessibility) as the starting point for his communication with his daughter. His newly chosen attitude and action successfully interrupt the cycle of irritation and despair that was set in motion earlier, and both parent and child benefit  as they move into a different place together.

• When mom kisses her son goodbye and leaves him at grandma who has agreed to babysit,  Danny, 5, wants another kiss, and then another and another. When she’s put on her coat at the front door he again wants a kiss. After a kiss and a warm hug, mom refers him to grandma. That’s when the tears come. He wants to go with her to the car and he doesn’t  listen to grandma who asks him gently to stay inside. Mom is getting desperate. She needs to get to her dental appointment. She starts doubting if leaving him with grandma was such a good idea after all. But immediately she realizes that the dentist’s office is no place for a five-year-old when she herself is undergoing treatment. She would just get very irritated and annoyed with him. Then she remembers the love she feels for Danny. She takes a step back inwardly and focuses her attention entirely on him. She squats down so her eyes are on his level and tells him: “Danny, I think you are a terrific boy. You’re mommy’s special guy. When I get back and grandma tells me you went inside with her quietly after waving goodbye, I’ll have a surprise for you! (She’s thinking of the box full of little gadgets that the dentist always has ready for his little patients.) But now I really have to go. Goodbye, sweetheart, see you in a little while!”

     This examples clearly illustrates how the mother, inspired by the love she feels for her son, is able to stay in charge of the situation and not let herself be torn by doubts. Using a loving but firm tone of voice she clearly draws a line and describes the specific behavior she expects from him.

Love: a Powerful Ally

These examples show the directive influence love plays in these communications when it has been adopted as a starting point and then expressed in a way that fits the situation. Love is a powerful source, a source that any parent can draw from when needed. The more love is used, the more accessible it becomes.

     When love is put to use in daily life with kids, it is no longer just an abstract emotion, a soft fuzzy feeling deep inside. Consciously chosen, love is a wonderful source of inspiration for a new attitude and a new action in your communication with kids. It becomes a parent's powerful ally. Even though you might not feel lovey-dovey all the time, you may be assured that, in times of need, you can draw on the source of love in order to direct your interaction with your kids in a constructive way.

     If you are facing a recurring problem in the relationship with one of your kids, do take some quiet time and think the issue through. Which aspect of love would be most helpful in this situation?  In case you need any help getting a handle of looking at a specific issue this way, don’t hesitate to leave a comment and ask for help.

Constructive Communication With Kids Series, part 2: Choosing a Positive Starting Point

Last week in this space we stressed the importance of constructive communication in the parent-child relationship. Constructive communication was defined as sending a message with the intent of contributing positively to the experience of the one receiving the message. In order to get a better grip on the process of communication we split it up in the following four elements:

     We then looked at a casual, daily exchange (“Please wash up before dinner”; “Yes, mom”) to illustrate the workings of the four elements. But then, what do you do when the recipient (4) all of a sudden does not respond in the way you expected? This week we will look at what options you, as a parent and care-giver, have when you notice that the recipient in the communication chain has changed and your message is no longer calling forth the desired response.

     There is no need to worry. Kids, by nature, do not stand still, they are constantly evolving. Their view of themselves and of the world around them is in continuous flux. A new response to a familiar signal is one of the ways children use to get to know themselves, and therefore it is one of the signs of a well-developing child. As your child grows it will want to assert its independence from you, the parent, and its responses to your messages will reflect that urge. It makes sense to get acquainted with the developmental stages kids go through as they grow, so you will know what to expect. In addition, talking to another parent, a teacher or psychologist might give you a new perspective on the situation. I recommend all parents and care-givers to become specialists in child development.

     This blog, though, has a different focus: you, the parent / care-giver. You are element 1 in the communication chain. You are the one that decides the two other elements: message and channel (2 and 3). The decision as to the form and shape of all three is in your hands.

Communicating is choosing

Each and every time you communicate with your child, you make three choices: the constitution of the starting point (location, mood, etc.), the contents of the message and the preferred channel that brings the message across. These three choices determine to a large extent whether your part in the communication is a constructive influence in your child’s development and in your relationship, or not. When you consciously choose a beneficial starting point, a constructive message and an appropriate way to deliver it, then you contribute to a positive relationship and to the healthy development of your child. Let’s look at an example to illustrate this:

     Your child enters the kitchen with muddy shoes and pants and stomps across the freshly mopped floor. When you are ‘on automatic’ you might react saying “Hey there! What do you think you're doing? How often do I have to tell you? Get those dirty kicks off my floor!” Here, the starting point (1) is irritation, the message (2) is rejection and the chosen means of communication (3) is an irritable tone. The effect on the child of this automatic response can be manifold: regressive behavior (e.g. crying in order to solicit a more caring response), rebellion (shouting: “It’s not my fault I have to wear those stupid boots all the time!”) or obedience (the child suppresses a knee-jerk reaction, sulking silently.) It may be clear that none of these effects contribute positively to a child’s development, let alone to the relationship.

     Quite a different experience results when the parent in the above situation is able to stand back inwardly (see my earlier post in the series Spiritual Tools) for just a bit and consciously commits to constructive communication. The parent assumes a positive attitude (1) as the basis of their response, a constructive message (2), and delivers it in a fitting way (3). The parent might for instance smile and say: “Look who’s come through the door: it’s grubby Brother Bear. What have you been up to?” while bending over to help with the laces. Now the starting point (1) is helpfulness, the message is (2) cooperation or solidarity, and the communication channel (3) a friendly tone. This type of communication allows the child space to share their world with the adult in charge and make an independent choice to show responsibility for the muddy gear. The child will start to talk about what happened while at the same time trying to take off his grimy shoes and pants himself.

     This example may be far removed from daily life with kids, where the constant stream of chores and demands will so often bring about irritability. But don’t be disheartened. Constructive communication is easier to achieve than you think. Let’s first have a look at element 1, the starting point that is you , the parent and care-giver. Later we will look at elements 2 and 3 (the message and the chosen channel).

Consciously choose your starting point   

     You might think: “What do you mean, consciously choose a starting point? My starting point is the fact that I am the parent / care-giver. I rely on my experience and intuition; I love my child and I’m doing the best I can. Isn’t that enough?” Indispensable as these qualities are, they are not sufficient, unfortunately. Parent and care-givers need to do more, and can do more. Compared to former days rearing children in modern times requires more of a person for various reasons. Today we enjoy a higher standard of living which means an increasing number of choices in all areas. Families are smaller than they used to be so there aren’t any elder brothers and sisters around to step in and help. In addition, in smaller families the individual child is more often in the lime light compared to former times. However, the most important reason I think is the growing awareness in our culture of the uniqueness of the individual. With that higher awareness comes a responsibility for the individual’s opportunities to develop and grow.

     Due to all these reasons a modern parent / care-giver is faced with a complex task. Relying solely on experience or intuition is no longer going to cut it; some situations require a more thorough approach. Loving your child is crucial for its development, since love, after all, is the heart of the parent-child relationship. However, that love is not enough when it does not express itself in a specific loving attitude chosen for a specific situation. Trying the best you can is absolutely vital, however if it is an ignorant effort, it will fall short in most instances. Apart from intuition, experience, love and effort, one more thing is needed in order to adequately fulfill your role as a parent and care-giver: insight. 

     Insight in your child and in yourself. Insight in your child mainly rests on your knowledge and understanding of general children’s development. If you are able to put your child’s behavior in the context of a particular stage of development, you are less likely to fall prey to frustration and irritation and you will be better able to respond adequately. I can't stress enough how important insight in your children's development is.

     The other type of insight is: insight in yourself. You, the parent / care-giver are after all the focus of this blog. Insight in yourself means: being able to step back inwardly and analyze your own behavior and your own role as care-giver. In a way you become your own director observing your own direction. That may sound abstract, but most parents already have insight in themselves to some extent. I am sure you will recognize some of three examples:

•      A five-year-old proudly shows his drawing to mommy. Mother responds: “Beautiful! So many colors!”

•      The two brothers Joe and Martin are fighting at the dinner table for the umpteenth time. Dad, tired after a tough day at work and still tense, explodes and grounds them for the rest of the day. When he has calmed down a bit, he decides to go upstairs and talk to the boys. “Hey, you guys. I’m sorry I lost it. No matter how bad you behave, I don’t want to treat you like that.”

•      A mother of two small, zappy kids arranges for a sitter to come in every Wednesday afternoon. She knows that if she relies on just herself the entire day, she’ll get snappy. With the sitter present the pressure on her is less and she is better able to be the patient mom she has pledged to be and not be swept away by negative emotions.

     A mother who does not have insight in herself and who responds to a child by saying: “I could do a much better job” or “I am not in the mood for drawings” when her child shows her his drawing, is on the same developmental level as the child. Having insight in herself not only means that she is able to observe her own behavior and responses, but that in addition she is able to direct her responses at will. She is able to put her own agenda on hold for a bit in order to choose the response that forms a positive contribution to the child’s development as well as to their relationship.

     As for the third example of the mother and her lively offspring, should she not have gained insight in herself, she might easily have gotten a burn-out due to the parenting demands placed on her. Fortunately, she has insight in herself and the situation she is in and is able to take appropriate measures pro-actively.

     We, parents, are lucky in a way. The new and unexpected love we have felt well up inside when our child was born is a storehouse from which we can draw during our parenting years. Our call on love will cut both ways: not only our children benefit when we relate to them from a place of love, but we ourselves do, too. Love as the basis for communication allows the work of our hands to express the love we hold in our hearts. As we adapt to our growing, changing children, and take on the challenge of expressing our love in new ways, our own spirituality deepens and grows.

     In part 3 of this series (Constructive Communication With Kids) we will look at various every-day type child-rearing situations  and we will discuss how aspects of love serve as inspiring starting points in our communication with kids.

Constructive Communication With Kids Series, part 1: In the Beginning

A new baby is born. Snugly cradled in mommy’s arms it is busy adjusting to its new environment. Both mom and dad look deeply into the baby’s eyes, smile, and speak to their newborn in soft, gentle voices as they caress its cheeks and little hands. When the baby suddenly grabs hold of a parent’s finger, mom and dad both gladly welcome the gesture as a symbol of connection.

From day one parents and children exchange messages. When the little one starts crying and mommy lifts him from the crib, communication has started: the baby sends a message (cries) and the mother responds (takes her out of the crib). Should the baby quiet down, the mother then knows her message has arrived and the contents of her message match the baby’s need. With this simple exchange a communication channel has come into being that will connect parent and child through the years that follow.

While spontaneous and knee-jerk reaction just happen, constructive communication doesn’t; it is not a given. Constructive communication is communication with the intent of contributing positively to the experience of the one receiving the message. It is a conscious choice. Often this conscious choice happens quite naturally. Your parental instincts will guide you or you've learned to trust your intuition. However, it is not always easy to consciously choose to send a constructive message when fatigue, irritation or old patterns direct you in the opposite direction. The importance of developing constructive ways to communicate with your kids cannot be overestimated. Why? Because the quality of your communication with your kids to a large extent determines the quality of your relationship with them. Where love is the heart of the parent-child-relationship, constructive communication is the rhythmically beating coronary artery that connects parent and child. Both the loving heart and the life-giving artery are indispensable in good relationships. No matter how much you love your child, if you allow the communication between the two of you to falter, your relationship will stagnate. 

It is the parents’ primary task to guarantee the quality of communication. They are after all the ones who have been able to develop insight and self-control through the years, qualities needed to communicate constructively. Children have only just arrived; they still have to get used to everything: circumstances, relationships, skills, etc.

The family in a way is like a laboratory for children. In its safe setting they are able to express feelings and developmental impulses. The inner world of a growing child is highly active, processing all kinds of stimuli. Consequently, they have to experiment in order to make sense of all the information received. As kids grow older they will bring into this family setting a variety of influences of the outside world in order to test and assess them in this safe circle. With failing communication at home, the door is open for misunderstanding and misinterpretation of behavior. These easily lead to grudges and bitterness. At precisely the moment when children are experimenting independently with new behavior they need their parents’ loving, clear and constructive feedback. They count on it and should they not receive it for whatever reasons, the communication channel  gets clogged. Parents and children start to lose touch with each other and can only guess as to the motive of their actions. Gradually mutual understanding will erode, and with it the willingness to empathize - a vital ingredient in family relationships.

However, it is never too late to adjust and remedy the situation. Blockages in communication can be dissolved applying the principles of sound communication. (Dr. Thomas Gordon has done excellent work in the field of communication.)

To create some clarity into the subject of communication, let's explore it. What happens when people are communicating? In the drawing below the four numbers indicate the elements that determine communication. (1) represents the person initiating contact. The information (2) travels along the chosen channel (3) in order to arrive at the recipient (4).

This picture clearly shows that when one of phones (1, 4) is not functioning properly, the quality of communication is affected. For instance, when a teenager is feeling somewhat blue, a simple request like: “Would you mind helping me for a second,” will be received entirely differently than when she is feeling fine. In addition, communication will falter when the choice of the channel (3) is not fitting the situation: a letter, even when written in the finest handwriting, is not a suitable channel of communication for a baby. In short, an optimal exchange of information relies on two active and receptive parties, as well as a channel that serves both parties adequately. If that is the case, you can count on the message (2) being transferred as intended.

Suppose you are the properly functioning cell phone 1. You choose a channel (for instance: calling over your shoulder) and you send a message to your child: “Please wash your hands before dinner.” Your child receives the message and responds: “All right, mom,” and washes up. This will go right a hundred times, until, one day, your child will ignore your request. Elements 1, 2 and 3 have remained the same: you (1) haven’t changed, nor have the message and the channel (2 and 3). Element 4 is suddenly different. The child (4), for whatever reason, has decided not to respond in the familiar way. Naturally, your attention focuses automatically on the one element in the communication chain that has changed, your child, and you try to bring it back to its old shape: “Hey you, wash up, please”, or “Listen to me!” Even if you’re successful in bringing about the expected response, chances are friction and irritation have been created on both sides as well. Something apparently has gone wrong.

Next week in this space we will have a look at what options you, as a parent and care-giver, have when you notice that the recipient in the communication chain, your child, has changed.

Spiritual Tools Series, part 4: Moving In and Stepping Back

Last week in this space we talked about the benefits of being ‘fully present’ with your children. I explained that being ‘fully present’ means that you are able to focus fully on your children’s world, their circumstances and their well-being; that you let their needs take priority over other needs, and that you are accessible to them no matter what, relating to them in a way they understand. Today I would like to explore this principle of being ‘fully present’ a bit more, for, as you will soon see, it is part of an important spiritual tool called “Moving In and Stepping Back.”

But let me first reassure you. It is not necessary to commit to being ‘fully present’ 100 % of the time. I’m not even sure that that would be desirable. However, the ability to switch to ‘fully present’-mode at will is a great skill that will benefit both yourself and your kids.

The thing I’d like to focus on here is the quality of your attention when you are ‘fully present’. Obviously, being ‘fully present’ requires your full attention. When you’re changing your baby’s diaper, for instance, you can’t be ‘fully present’ when at the same time you’re watching a show or keeping track of messages on your smart phone. In short, ‘fully present’ means focusing 100 % of your attention on the situation you’re in, and on the people and aspects that are part of it. It’s as if you use a camera’s telephoto lens to zoom in, noticing all

the little details and taking them in. In a way, you infuse the here and the now with your presence. You are no longer ‘on automatic’ - you're fully alert in the here and now. That’s what being ‘fully present’ really means.

Now comes the next step. While keeping your attention fully focused on the present moment you mentally step back and observe what’s happening. It’s as if deep inside of you there is a quiet, contemplative aspect that is able to watch the busy-in-the-now-aspect while it’s doing whatever it’s doing. It’s a simultaneous movement in two directions; as you move deeper in, you also move further back. From this new vantage point you observe all the details of the situation, the dynamics of it, and your feelings about it. By stepping back this way you create space around the activity and around the people and things that are part of it.* Stepping back allows you to truly see the needs, the drives and the expectations involved, and to quietly disentangle from them. And it is this space, thus created, that lets in new light which shines on the present moment and on the people and things that share it with you. It is as if the newly created space has opened doors and invited inspiration to lighten up the present moment.

I’ve chosen the words ‘space’, ‘new light’ and ‘inspiration’ to indicate the sense of clarity and authenticity you will experience. When you inwardly make room while fully focused in the present moment, you invite Life into your experience – Life only needs the smallest space to come bounding in. The following example shows you what I mean.

Mary and her friend Cin, each with their toddler child, are at the local park. They’re busy chatting on a bench on the side of the playground while watching the kids running around.

For some reason, Tracey, Mary’s daughter, can’t seem to fully engage in play; she keeps coming back to mommy. First it’s a button on her shirt that’s bothering her, next there is sand in her shoe, and then she throws herself into Mary’s lap, crying because she scraped her knee, etc. Each and every time, Mary, a kind and caring mother, attends lovingly to her daughter, while trying to keep up the conversation with her friend. But after the fifth interruption she starts to get annoyed at Tracey, and so is her friend. How can the spiritual tool of ‘Moving In and Stepping Back’ help Mary in this situation?

Let’s first look at ‘moving in’, or being ‘fully present’. Up till now, during the various interruptions Mary has divided her attention between her daughter and her friend. But now, with the next interruption - Tracey coming to the bench complaining about a boy teasing her – Mary decides to ask Cin for a minute and she focuses entirely on Tracey. She gets down on Tracey’s level and gently and deliberately connects with her. She notices each and every detail of Tracey as if she’s seeing and hearing her for the first time: she notes her eyes, her mouth, her body language, and her words and intonation. Mary may apply some of the techniques of ‘active listening’ by repeating Tracey’s message in new words so Tracey will know her mother has truly heard her. Mary focuses 100 % of her attention on the moment as it presents itself to her: her daughter and the apparent discomfort she is in. Now comes the second step: stepping back. Mary mentally takes a step back and observes herself focused in the present situation. From this new vantage point she notices the dynamics of it, her daughter’s and her own feelings, the drives and expectations that are part of it. As she senses the space around the situation that is thus created, she is able to disentangle from her knee-jerk response as a caring mother, rushing in to soothe her child, as well as her knee-jerk response of annoyance at being disturbed for the umpteenth time. While she hugs Tracey she inwardly embraces the space enveloping them both, knowing that Life will use it to inspire both her and her daughter.

Can you imagine what this suspended moment in time can mean for a mother and child? It allows old hurts to resolve in a new and unexpected way. It allows developmental aspects to be acknowledged and followed up on. It allows mother and daughter to truly connect and be there for each other.

The outcome of a moment in time thus shared is different in each case. Mary may feel moved (inspired!) to join her daughter in play for a while, or she may sense that Tracey’s needs are best met when she allows her to sit in mommy’s lap for a while. Whatever the specific action taken, the key is: Mary is willing to embrace the situation with her whole being (she moves in) and to open up to new and inspired ways to view it (she steps back).

And what about her friend Cin? Well, Cin finds herself in a first row seat from where she witnesses the way the spiritual tool of “Moving In and Stepping Back” enables Mary to love and care for her daughter in a unique and authentic way. After Tracey’s needs have been met and her confidence restored, Cin and Mary will have plenty of time to resume their conversation and catch up without any further interruptions.

Does all this sound a bit theoretical and distant to you? My advice would be to try it and experience it for yourself. If you do, please let me know about it. I would love to hear from you!

* Eckhart Tolle speaks of the space experienced when you are fully in the present moment: "Suddenly there's an inner space around it which frees you from the limitation of the form."

The Best Possible Gift

The other day a colleague at work and I were talking about high school graduation, not a surprising topic for this time of year. We both noticed that some kids seem to be able to navigate well upon leaving school and home, while others don’t fare so well at all. And we wondered about the deeper causes of this. At one point she remarked that someone had once told her that, generally speaking, kids who can hear their parents laughing on the couch in the living room while they themselves are safely tucked in bed, will be okay. That’s quite an intriguing statement.

But is it true? My pediatrician at the time when my kids were toddlers, certainly seemed to think so. He had the following saying on the wall of the waiting room, for all to read:

“The greatest gift a father can give to his kids, is to love their mother.”

Both my colleague and my former pediatrician are pointing to the same thing: when parents truly love each other, care for one another and enjoy each other’s company, so much the better for the kids. Also in situations where parents have split up: if they manage to be considerate and kind to each other, they save their kids the agony of divided loyalties.

And that’s not all. I’d like to take this one step further: the prospects of flourishing under the care of someone who is able to temporarily set their own  issues aside are much higher compared to a situation where the caregiver is absorbed in their own thoughts and problems. 

 I’m not talking about putting the children center stage and spoiling them; I’m talking about being fully present with the children during the time you’re together. ‘Fully present’ means you focus on their world, their circumstances, their well-being; you let their needs take priority over other needs; you are accessible to them no matter what and you relate to them in a way they understand. (Authors Mylan and Jon Kabat-Zinn as well as Scott Rogers speak of mindful parenting, which is exactly the same thing.)

Newly sprouted buds fare best when shielded from harsh influences for a while. Likewise kids fare best when shielded from adult issues and concerns that are beyond their ability to grasp and deal with.

If you and the children’s other parent are able to communicate with each other respectfully you give them a boost in their development. Should you  be in the happy circumstance where the two of you love each other and can share fun moments together, they stand to gain even more. If, on top of that, you are fully present with the children in your care , you are giving your children the best possible gift.  

Confident Kids

What parent doesn’t want their kids to be confident? We all do, there’s no doubt about that. So how come that some kids grow up feeling and being confident while others don’t? Is it all nature, to the exclusion of nurture? I don’t believe it is.

Genetics – nature – undoubtedly plays a major role in a person’s ability to build confidence. Does that mean that parents have to stand by helplessly and just observe? Absolutely not. The environment in which a child grows up – nurture – has a say as well. Since parents are the major force in a developing child’s environment, there is quite a bit they can do to instill confidence in their kids.

Let’s first explore the term confidence. According to The Free Dictionary confidence denotes “a feeling of emotional security resulting from faith in oneself. Confidence is a firm belief in one's powers, abilities, or capacities” It quotes Eleanor Roosevelt as saying: "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face".

In essence then, confidence is a mental strength, that builds through experience. As much as genetics may account for the proclivity towards developing confidence, it is experience that calls it forth and strengthens it. When we meet people for the first time we can often gauge a person’s confidence; we sort of sense it exuding from their personality or become aware of their total lack of it. On the physical level confidence may manifest in a straight back, a bold stance, a controversial statement, etc. These outer appearances show “a firm belief in one’s powers, abilities, or capacities”. 

Taking confidence one step up we come to the spiritual level. There it turns into faith. What exactly is faith? According to The Free Dictionary faith denotes a “strong or unshakable belief in something, esp without proof or evidence”.  How interesting. Whereas confidence in the mental realm builds on experience, in other words on the evidence of past occurrences, faith in the spiritual realm is not dependent on evidence at all. It rests on an inner knowing.

Parents are the primary role models for their kids when it comes to confidence and faith. We’ll talk about faith and parenting in this space at some future time. Let’s focus now on how to foster confidence in your kids.

Kids get confidence from experience. At times they need to be in situations that are a bit scary in order to build inner strength. Parents may be so busy nurturing their children, that they lose sight of this requirement. When a parent senses that their child is scared, the knee-jerk response is to take over and to protect the child from possible harm. As parents we need to think twice in such situations. We need to assess the risk of potential harm involved and then decide: step in and take over in order to neutralize the scary situation, or allow the child to face their fear, while exuding confidence towards the child so they can borrow some of ours. This can play out in any type of daily-life situation, such as climbing a jungle gym, asking a teacher for some extra help, or driving on the freeway for the very first time. (You might enjoy watching this 3 mins. instructional video in which Dr Randall Hyde talks about fostering confidence in kids.)

When, in a given situation, we decide that the child needs to face their fears, it is paramount that we lend them our confidence. Letting them face their fear on their own is cruel and will backfire. They need us to give them confidence in order for them to build it themselves. If we cannot muster enough confidence, even though we know the child is perfectly capable of coping with the situation, it’s better to remove ourselves from their presence than for our anxiety to affect them. They will sense our ambiguity and become insecure.

I remember when our second son Jesse was small he used to love to climb the playground structures to the very top. He clearly needed to explore the climbing frames to the fullest and there was soft bark all around. I rationally knew he was capable of handling the climb, yet I felt very anxious seeing him so high up. It was then that I decided to inwardly say a quick prayer, affirming my faith that he was in God’s hands no matter what, and outwardly turning away from the scene and forcing my attention elsewhere. The only time he ever fell was from the lowest branch of a tree in our back yard, 3’ off the ground, after a climb that had taken him above roof top level. (I didn’t see this, but I know it is true for he later told me what the street looked like from up high …)

In order for a child to develop confidence it is crucial for them to practice facing little fears on the basis of the confidence the parent instills in them. If we are over-protective we may risk creating a need in the child at a later time to seek out exciting confrontations in order to gain confidence on their own, confrontations we might not have chosen for them at all.