Spiritual Tools Series, part 4: Moving In and Stepping Back

Last week in this space we talked about the benefits of being ‘fully present’ with your children. I explained that being ‘fully present’ means that you are able to focus fully on your children’s world, their circumstances and their well-being; that you let their needs take priority over other needs, and that you are accessible to them no matter what, relating to them in a way they understand. Today I would like to explore this principle of being ‘fully present’ a bit more, for, as you will soon see, it is part of an important spiritual tool called “Moving In and Stepping Back.”

But let me first reassure you. It is not necessary to commit to being ‘fully present’ 100 % of the time. I’m not even sure that that would be desirable. However, the ability to switch to ‘fully present’-mode at will is a great skill that will benefit both yourself and your kids.

The thing I’d like to focus on here is the quality of your attention when you are ‘fully present’. Obviously, being ‘fully present’ requires your full attention. When you’re changing your baby’s diaper, for instance, you can’t be ‘fully present’ when at the same time you’re watching a show or keeping track of messages on your smart phone. In short, ‘fully present’ means focusing 100 % of your attention on the situation you’re in, and on the people and aspects that are part of it. It’s as if you use a camera’s telephoto lens to zoom in, noticing all

the little details and taking them in. In a way, you infuse the here and the now with your presence. You are no longer ‘on automatic’ - you're fully alert in the here and now. That’s what being ‘fully present’ really means.

Now comes the next step. While keeping your attention fully focused on the present moment you mentally step back and observe what’s happening. It’s as if deep inside of you there is a quiet, contemplative aspect that is able to watch the busy-in-the-now-aspect while it’s doing whatever it’s doing. It’s a simultaneous movement in two directions; as you move deeper in, you also move further back. From this new vantage point you observe all the details of the situation, the dynamics of it, and your feelings about it. By stepping back this way you create space around the activity and around the people and things that are part of it.* Stepping back allows you to truly see the needs, the drives and the expectations involved, and to quietly disentangle from them. And it is this space, thus created, that lets in new light which shines on the present moment and on the people and things that share it with you. It is as if the newly created space has opened doors and invited inspiration to lighten up the present moment.

I’ve chosen the words ‘space’, ‘new light’ and ‘inspiration’ to indicate the sense of clarity and authenticity you will experience. When you inwardly make room while fully focused in the present moment, you invite Life into your experience – Life only needs the smallest space to come bounding in. The following example shows you what I mean.

Mary and her friend Cin, each with their toddler child, are at the local park. They’re busy chatting on a bench on the side of the playground while watching the kids running around.

For some reason, Tracey, Mary’s daughter, can’t seem to fully engage in play; she keeps coming back to mommy. First it’s a button on her shirt that’s bothering her, next there is sand in her shoe, and then she throws herself into Mary’s lap, crying because she scraped her knee, etc. Each and every time, Mary, a kind and caring mother, attends lovingly to her daughter, while trying to keep up the conversation with her friend. But after the fifth interruption she starts to get annoyed at Tracey, and so is her friend. How can the spiritual tool of ‘Moving In and Stepping Back’ help Mary in this situation?

Let’s first look at ‘moving in’, or being ‘fully present’. Up till now, during the various interruptions Mary has divided her attention between her daughter and her friend. But now, with the next interruption - Tracey coming to the bench complaining about a boy teasing her – Mary decides to ask Cin for a minute and she focuses entirely on Tracey. She gets down on Tracey’s level and gently and deliberately connects with her. She notices each and every detail of Tracey as if she’s seeing and hearing her for the first time: she notes her eyes, her mouth, her body language, and her words and intonation. Mary may apply some of the techniques of ‘active listening’ by repeating Tracey’s message in new words so Tracey will know her mother has truly heard her. Mary focuses 100 % of her attention on the moment as it presents itself to her: her daughter and the apparent discomfort she is in. Now comes the second step: stepping back. Mary mentally takes a step back and observes herself focused in the present situation. From this new vantage point she notices the dynamics of it, her daughter’s and her own feelings, the drives and expectations that are part of it. As she senses the space around the situation that is thus created, she is able to disentangle from her knee-jerk response as a caring mother, rushing in to soothe her child, as well as her knee-jerk response of annoyance at being disturbed for the umpteenth time. While she hugs Tracey she inwardly embraces the space enveloping them both, knowing that Life will use it to inspire both her and her daughter.

Can you imagine what this suspended moment in time can mean for a mother and child? It allows old hurts to resolve in a new and unexpected way. It allows developmental aspects to be acknowledged and followed up on. It allows mother and daughter to truly connect and be there for each other.

The outcome of a moment in time thus shared is different in each case. Mary may feel moved (inspired!) to join her daughter in play for a while, or she may sense that Tracey’s needs are best met when she allows her to sit in mommy’s lap for a while. Whatever the specific action taken, the key is: Mary is willing to embrace the situation with her whole being (she moves in) and to open up to new and inspired ways to view it (she steps back).

And what about her friend Cin? Well, Cin finds herself in a first row seat from where she witnesses the way the spiritual tool of “Moving In and Stepping Back” enables Mary to love and care for her daughter in a unique and authentic way. After Tracey’s needs have been met and her confidence restored, Cin and Mary will have plenty of time to resume their conversation and catch up without any further interruptions.

Does all this sound a bit theoretical and distant to you? My advice would be to try it and experience it for yourself. If you do, please let me know about it. I would love to hear from you!

* Eckhart Tolle speaks of the space experienced when you are fully in the present moment: "Suddenly there's an inner space around it which frees you from the limitation of the form."

Spiritual Tools Series, part 3: Give me patience and give it to me now!

Last week in this space we talked about the principle of ‘giving out is taking in’. We first looked at the example of baking an apple pie: how the person baking and serving apple pie is the one most immersed in the essence of it. Then we looked at a parent’s presence during a daily routine such as bathing time. We saw how the attitude of allowing and accepting created a wonderful model for their child to emulate when their time comes to be patient with someone else. That example led to my promise to show you the spiritual gift patience has to offer all who dare embrace it.

Haven’t we all, parents and care givers, sighed “Lord, give me patience, and give it to me fast!” at one time or another? We all know intuitively how beneficial patience is and how much we need it; yet, it remains an elusive quality, extremely hard to incorporate and manifest. I have yet to meet a person who could claim patience as entirely their own. In order to get a grip on patience, it may be worth our while to explore it a little more.

In the Merriam-Webster dictionary we find the following as one of the explanations of the word ‘patient’: steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity.. But there is no mention of any benefit in being patient. Let’s delve a little deeper. You may have heard the statement: “In your patience possess ye your souls,” taken from the New Testament (Luke 21:19). It is attributed to Jesus who is admonishing his friends to be steadfast in times of uncertainty and crisis. What exactly does that mean, ‘to possess your soul in patience’? How are ‘patience’ and ‘knowing one’s soul’ connected? And what is the role of the word ‘possess’ in this context?

Again, the Merriam-Webster dictionary comes in handy. The first line in the Merriam-Webster’s definition of the word ‘possess’ is: to have and hold as property; own. The word ‘own’, as in ‘your own’ is interesting. Together with ‘to have and to hold’ this points in the direction of: getting to know intimately. From this perspective the quoted expression would mean: “In patience you will get to know your soul”. It would be a gift, wouldn’t it, to get to know your soul a little better. But then, how does patience help you to get to know your soul better? What exactly is it that patience does to you that makes you get into touch with your soul more?

Let’s go back to the example of children’s bath time, the daily routine at the end of a busy day, when parents are eager to get on with it in order to have some quiet time alone. Often, being patient in this type of situation means putting your personal agenda on hold for a bit, while you go through the motions the situation demands. You may have sort of zoomed-out a bit and your half absent-mindedness allows you to be with the kids, help and assist them where necessary, and in the pace that is required, while inwardly chewing over far more pressing items on your agenda, such as yesterday’s meeting or tomorrow’s presentation. While your calm assistance is to be preferred over a hurried and irritable attitude, it does not begin to mine the gold the field of patience has to offer.

The art of identifying and receiving the gift true patience holds, requires that you are fully present in the moment – the very moment which a minute before made you decide to half zoom out and go through the motions. You interrupt the stream of consciousness that has taken possession of your mind, and instead you tune in completely on what’s going on now. There is a reason why you are at this place at this moment. And that reason has to do with what you can offer this moment. Look deep inside and identify a spiritual quality that you resonate with, such as hope, peace, harmony, gentleness, joy, beauty, love, etc. Now find a way to manifest this quality in the situation at hand. An example might clarify what I mean.

Suppose you’ve identified ‘beauty’ as a spiritual quality that you resonate with especially. How can you manifest beauty in the ritual of children’s bath time? Focus on the beauty that is a child, and on the beauty of play. Surround yourself with beauty in the bathroom, such as pretty towels, fancy soap. Engage your child and together create a beautiful soap-sud-scape on the bathroom wall. Put on some lovely music. Lots of possibilities.

Another example would be the waiting room at a pediatrician’s office. Instead of  getting annoyed or zooming out, grab this opportunity to turn within and choose a spiritual quality you could focus on. Suppose this time you choose ‘hope’. In what way could you manifest hope in an ordinary doctor’s waiting room? Your child, no doubt, has been looking around the place and has found something that stirred an interest, be it a poster on the wall, or some toys in the corner. To express hope you could find a way to encourage your child to discover the world. Perhaps you could look at the poster together, fantasizing and imagining. Or you could read a book to your child or build a tower together.

In both instances, bath time and beauty – waiting  room and hope,  your attitude and action are connected to your inner spiritual compass that you have deliberately set. Your attitude and action have welled up from the level of the soul and are infusing the three dimensional world with spiritual light. When your hands express the music of your heart, you’ll start to understand what this getting to know your soul-business is all about. You’re no longer just a parent who’s willing to put their own agenda on hold for the sake of their child, you’ve become a truly patient parent, meaning: you’ve become an inspiration, both to yourself and your child, because the intent of your soul is shining through in what you do, for all to see and enjoy. And that is the gift patience holds for all of us, if only we know where to look!

(ps: My book A Parent’sToolbox for Spiritual Growth contains an easy to follow twelve-step system to help you identify the spiritual qualities that particularly appeal to you.)

Spiritual Tools Series, part 2: Giving Out Is Taking In

I love apply pie, don’t you? I love the taste of baked apple and cinnamon as well as the crust with its softened inside. It’s a treat hard to say no to.

With apples being the main ingredient of apple pie, who would think of baking it without apples? You can’t create an apple pie if you haven’t first stocked up on apples. Only when you have enough apples in the pantry can you bake a proper apple pie and serve it to your family and friends.

Now please bear with me as I take this one step further. Who, among all those enjoying a slice of apple pie, do you think enjoys the smell and the taste and the crunchiness of the final product most? No doubt, it’s the one having done the baking. Of all involved that person is immersed most in the process. For all appearances, after everyone has left the table, the person who baked and served the pie has given it all away. However, it is that very same person who is the prime beneficiary of everything that apple pie and the baking of it have to offer: that person, engaged in the process of baking, serving and enjoying it, is the recipient of the essence of both apples and pie. By serving it up and giving it out, that person has taken the essence in.

This principle of ‘giving out equals taking in’ isn’t only active in the kitchen. It is a principle that operates in many other aspects of life. In a previous post I related the story of my little nephew Randy who insisted on focusing on the good and lovely and was given a happy moment with a total stranger in return. Seeing the good and the lovely and experiencing it in return is a specific application, a sort of subset, of the principle ‘giving out is taking in’. It works not just with the good and lovely, but with other characteristics as well.

When my kids were very young I used to love toting whoever was the youngest on my hip during errands. I remember someone in the grocery store observing us and saying, smiling knowingly: “Happy mom, happy kid!” That statement has stayed with me throughout the years and I’ve seen it confirmed many, many times in other parents and their kids. It’s the principle ‘giving out is taking in’ in action: a happy parent gives out happy vibes; the children will pick up on that and in turn will be happy as well, which makes for happy parents. And so they come full circle.

 As a teacher in the classroom I’ve often witnessed the workings of the principle. For example, if I’m in a place of encouragement, my students pick up on that and want to give the best of themselves. Then, at some later moment, when they see that I could use some support, they’ll be more than happy to provide it. They’re actually eager to return the favor. Giving out is taking in.

Not surprisingly, the principle works the other way round as well. Children’s bath time is a good example. Often parents are in a hurry at the end of the day. I know I’ve felt hurried at that time of day: you’re either fighting the clock or looking forward to spending some quality time in a quiet living room when the kids are snug in their beds. However, if you are routinely rushed during bathing time you fail to seize the opportunity to truly spend some valuable time with a representative of the new generation. Consequently, you cannot expect your child to show you patience when you need it, such as when you’re on the phone. You may find them pulling your arm and yelling in your ear… After all, your child hasn’t been taught how to behave in a situation where they’re not in the center.

Children’s bath time is an excellent time to put the principle ‘giving out is taking in’ to work in a positive way: by role-modeling. While focusing on your child’s well-being and happiness, your relaxed presence and gentle involvement teaches them the art of allowing someone else to be in the center. You will be surprised to find one day that they will offer you this skill in return at a moment you may need it most. 

Just as the taste and smell of apple pie is yours to take in when you bake and serve it, so is your child’s courtesy yours when you’ve been able to consciously create it and send it out to them.

(Talking about courtesy and patience, there is a spiritual gift in situations when you have to wait while your personal agenda is screaming in your ear to please hurry up and get on with it. We’ll talk about that spiritual gift next week.)

Spiritual Tools Series, part 1: Seeing only the good and the lovely.

My sister’s little boy must have been about 18 months at the time. A group of us were at the airport to welcome our parents after a long trip abroad. While we were kept waiting in the arrivals hall little Randy, with a bounciness and liveliness typical of toddlers, kept going up and down a row of seats where an elderly gentleman sat crouched over. All seats around him were vacant, underlining the strong sense of not wanting to connect or communicate he seemed to project.

       I observed Randy as he would bounce past the gentleman only to stop right in front of him, bending over a little in order to catch a glimpse of the man’s eye. The old man ignored the little boy completely, looking away and not acknowledging his presence. Then off Randy would go to the other end of the row and back, only to stop smack in front of the grumpy old man again, trying to lure him into his happy, bouncy world. After the fifth or sixth time the old man finally gave in: a smile appeared, giving his wrinkled, weathered face a sudden sunny expression. He stretched out his open hand, palm up, for the little boy to smack with his little fist. Both were beaming as only victorious conspirators can. After having accomplished his objective, Randy found other interests in the arrivals hall until the moment his grandparents arrived.

I was the only one who noticed this seemingly insignificant incident and it has stayed with me through the years. Why would the experience strike me as meaningful? The reason I think the episode is etched in my memory is that it is illustrative of a specific application of the universal principle most of us have heard of before: the law of attraction, or put another way: like attracts like. Now, before you start thinking that this is old news because you know all about the law of attraction, stay with me for a bit to see how this incident shed a new light on this law. Working with the law of attraction doesn’t only mean reaping the positive results of previous positive actions; the law of attraction also works on the spot. In fact, it is especially suited to be applied on the spot.  As the example shows, when you look for only the good and the lovely – you can expect to see the good and the lovely. This principle makes for an outstanding practical spiritual tool. The following example shows how it works.

At 10 am on Saturday morning Jamie gets up and goes to the kitchen to fetch himself some breakfast. Suddenly he realizes that he’s running late for soccer practice, so he grabs his sports gear and rushes out to hitch a ride with a friend, leaving everything on the counter top. After seeing him off, his mom, Lee-Ann, enters the kitchen only to be appalled at the mess she finds there: eggs, bacon and butter still on the counter, a greasy pan and spatula lying around as well as a dirty plate and tableware. How often have I asked him to clear up after himself, she thinks to herself, as she starts to clean up. But then she thinks of the tool look for only the good and the lovely and she pauses a moment. Then she puts the perishables where they belong and she stacks the dirty dishes on the side.

Later that day when Jamie comes home, Lee-Ann asks him how soccer practice went. She comments on his continued commitment to the team and on his determination to give the best of himself (a.k.a. the good and the lovely !). While she is saying these things she walks over to the kitchen, asking him if he’d like a cold drink and a snack. Jamie follows her and sits at the table to have his drink and snack. Then Lee-Ann, still listening to Jamie talking about his soccer team and commenting positively, walks over to the corner of the counter top where the dirty dishes stand waiting. She takes them to the sink and casually says: “Please help me with this,” handing him a brush. And together they clean up, while chatting about things that matter to Jamie. Then Jamie says: “I’m sorry I left the dishes on the counter, mom, but I was really in a hurry.” “That’s all right, honey, that happens sometimes. I know you mean well, and you did clean up, didn’t you?”

Will Jamie always remember to clean up after himself after a late weekend breakfast? Probably not. But his mom’s effort to look for and focus on the good and the lovely and her stubbornness to focus on that exclusively, will bring her message across far more effectively than a reprimand would.

No matter how upsetting the situation may appear, zoom in on the good and the lovely, ignoring all testimony to the contrary. It is your addressing the good and the lovely that opens the door that lets in the light and welcomes hope, turning the tables in seemingly depressing circumstances. Whether it’s your toddler-nephew, your own teenage child, or a student in your care: apply the law of attraction on the spot by looking for and addressing the good and the lovely. You’ll discover that by doing so you’ve let in fresh air and created room for all involved to give the best of themselves. When you look for only the good, you can expect to experience it, too.