Annoying Behavior

What Options Do You Have?

Don't you just hate it when kids in your presence exhibit behavior that you just can't stomach? When it concerns your own kids or kids in your care - in other words, when they move within the circle of your own influence - then you may have options to address the annoying behavior. But what do you do when the behavior takes place outside of your circle of influence or when the behavior is just annoying to you personally? In other words, what options are left when there is clearly nothing else for you to do than to swallow and accept it?


Loud Play and Loud Mopeds

This exact thing happened to me recently, and repeatedly I might add. The first instance was children playing and yelling, creating a ruckus in the yard next door, after they had come home from day care. This happened right at the moment that I was retreating to my back porch after a long day at work. The other instance was young teens enjoying the new tarmac on the road by going up and down the street on their mopeds and motorbikes, causing vrooming sounds to rise at odd hours in the neighborhood where I happened to be staying temporarily.

     Both occasions called forth feelings of annoyance. At the same time it was clear to me that there was not much that I could do, or wanted to do, about them: I support kids playing outdoors, especially in their own backyard, and I understand that kids need to be able to express joy and frustration as part of that play. As to the revving of engines, I know young teens love showing off and need to feel that the world is theirs to discover - it's part of growing up. In both cases then, as a neighbor and as a visitor, there was not much I could do to change the situation.


Reframe

Now comes the interesting part: given that these sources of personal annoyance were directly under my nose and given the fact that I had decided not to interfere one way or the other, what options did I have left to work with? This is where reframing comes in.

     Reframing means putting something into a different context in order to give it a new meaning. The new meaning that results from the reframing causes a different response and a different emotion associated with it. How do you go about reframing? Reframing happens when you insert gratitude into the equation.

     In the case of the rambunctious neighbor children I told myself the following:

I am grateful for new life on this earth and in this town 

I am grateful to life for renewing life

I love living where I live

I am grateful to my neighbors for living next to me

I am grateful to my neighbor children for being sparks of the divine

I love it when kids are lively and full of energy

I am grateful for knowing that all is one

I am grateful for knowing that liveliness and energy are part of me

I love observing and experiencing new life and liveliness around me

I am grateful for the opportunity to experience liveliness in new ways (ha!  isn't that a good one!)

I love opening up to new ways to experience creation happening around me

I embrace life as it expresses all around me

Things Change Through Gratitude

     Next thing I knew, three things seemed to happen all at once:

• the kids next door dimmed their voices considerably on occasion if not much of the time
• the kids chose times to play outside when I was not there
• the kids' loud play no longer annoyed or even bothered me

     This may look like three separate things; my guess though is that they are really all one and the same thing: namely, they manifest the fact that, through the expression of gratitude, I was able to accept and embrace a facet of life that I had been excluding before.

     And what about the revving mopeds in the neighborhood? This situation was no doubt a revisiting of the first situation, egging me on to accept and embrace aspects of life I was refusing to allow in. Once accepted and embraced, using the tool of genuine gratitude, the need for appearances to jar my status quo was no longer there and the annoyances melted away.

     Have you noticed how gratitude can shift your perception of the world? I'd love to hear from you. Please share by leaving a comment.

Footnote: 

Gratitude and reframing (recontextualization) are mentioned in Neale D. Walsch's book 

The Only Thing That Matters as some of the tools that help you deal with negative thinking. 

Highly recommended!

Is Disciplining Spiritual? Part 2

An Every Day Example

Today I would like to follow up on last week's post on discipline. What follows is a prime example of discipline applied spiritually and it perfectly illustrates the steps involved.

     As I may have mentioned before, I teach English as a second language at a high school in the Netherlands. I want to tell you about an exchange I witnessed the other day, an exchange between my fellow-teamleader and a 16-year-old student. I'll call them Curtis and Sandy.


Discipline at School

     Sandy had mailed Curtis, her teamleader, to let him know how she felt about the framework the school had set up for practical research projects, saying that both the time path and the deadline were absolutely outrageous and that she had no intention of staying within the framework. Both content and tone of the mail were way off-base, and so Curtis called her in to talk about it. As I was working on an another matter in the room Curtis and I share, I was in a perfect position to observe what happened next.

     Curtis opened the conversation by conveying his surprise at the tone of her e-mail and he asked her what was wrong. Sandy, sounding emotional, went on a rampage of indignation at the set guidelines for the project, once again stating her firm decision not to adhere to any of it. Curtis, still a bit surprised by her vehemence, proceeded to explain the grounds for the time path and the deadline, asking her to commit to it, just as all other students were expected to. She would not budge, with her tone of voice supporting her stance. She insisted on being allowed to follow her own more relaxed time path and deadline.

     At that point Curtis told her clearly: "If this is how you want to do it, we've come to the end of our conversation. I'm ready and willing to help if you decide you could use my help. There is nothing I can do for you now." And he showed her the door.

     The next morning, Curtis came into the room with a smile on his face. He had received a message from Sandy in which she had apologized for her behavior and had said she would adhere to the framework set for the project. He then made arrangements for coaching sessions. Needless to say I complimented Curtis on the splendid way he had handled this situation.

The Steps Involved

How is this a good example of spiritual discipline? Let's put the features of spiritual discipline next to the practical steps Curtis took in this example:

 

1.	As soon as a particular behavior is out of bounds, a time-out is appointed.	-	Curtis ended the conversation.
2.	Focus on the behavior, not the person.	-	Curtis indicated his willingness to help Sandy if she showed willingness to conform to the guidelines.
3.	After some time for reflection, contact is once again established.	-	Curtis' open door helped Sandy to make up her mind and conform to the guidelines after all.
4.	Respect and harmony are restored.	-	Sandy communicated in a polite way; Curtis made follow-up appointments for her.

   
     Instances like this fire up my inner drive for working with young people. The new generation are worth each and every effort we make on their behalf, each and every drop of sweat we shed.

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